In last months GQ an essay expounding on the dangers of over-friending people from various parts of ones life that before this brave new age of constant connecteness would have been religated to very specific un-mixing domains. Very rarely would work mix with political activism, friend from the local bar would not see you in the same way that great-aunt Margaret did, and it would be impossible for that 3rd grade bully to contact you out of the blue and want to make it up to you.

Bit with the invention the “electronic friendship generator” the once remote possibilities have been born into a world not quite ready for the self-awareness that always-on water cooler discussions. The essay was mainly dealing with people from long gone eras of ones life coming back to haunt an interminable highschool reunion. My haunting isn’t from quite that far back but like that other author I’m struggling to decide what amount of contact I want to have with this person from my past

Some years ago my sister got married; I wasn’t all that impressed with the guy (can’t say that anyone really liked him). As a group my family tolerated him and made nice with his rather tragic family. The one bright spot was my sister’s new step-daughter who was very happy to have all the attention my mom and her new aunties lavished upon her. She also gave me a nickname - one that I hope my other nephews and nieces will pick up when they’re old enough. I did really like being an uncle. She had a great sense of humor and really lived being a big sister. I had visions of my extended family being a needed stabalizing force in her life that would allow her to grow into the beautiful young-woman that everyone saw as her potential. I also hoped that I/we could shepherd her through the Impending onslaught of teen angst.

Saddly none of those hopes came to pass. Shortly after my nephew was born, his father did some horendous things and was sent to prison. The marriage ended and it was decided that she would live with her mother. It was a difficult time for everyone, and I suspect that there was not nearly enough time to prepare emotionaly for the change. (Her mother seemed like a grounded person but no having lived together for many years, the parent child relationship was in need of an overhaul.) I only saw her a few times after the house was sold.

There was some discussion and disagreement as to what level of contact was appropriate after the divorce. Stemming from the nature of his crimes, it was difficult to disentangle wanting to be sympathetic to her from wanting to never see her father again. For a while my sister continued to act as a girlscout leader for the troop she belonged to, but gradually she fell away from the troop.

Every so often news would filter to my sister — she and the mom have a few of the same friends — and it was nice to hear how her life was going. A sort of 4 degrees of gossip that let me know she was OK and that she was moving well through life. It would be nice to be assured that the damage wrought by her father was repairable, and that nothing but the normal teenager drama was happening.

Lately though it seems she has been having a bit more than the normal teenage problems, and I’m wondering if it would be appropriate to accept her recent friend request. And like just after the divorce I’m wondering if the possibilities for a positive impact out weigh the connection to a low life scum bag.

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